Category: Reflections

“Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.” – African Proverb

(Direct Source Unknown- please share if you know)

‘Rather than dwelling on your mistake, look at what caused you to make the mistake.’

I am often told I am too harsh on myself, and I have struggled to see that. I spend a lot of time reappraising the way I see things as in my eyes, it’s more helpful to manage myself than to manage and challenge the perception of another person. I like to lead by example and treat others how I want to be treated. So bearing the responsibility of ‘being the bigger person’, (a practice I held close to my heart since secondary school), I got into the habit of introspection.

What could I have done to avoid this?

How did my behavior catalyse this uncomfortable situation?

How can I see the best of this situation?

These are the types of questions I ask myself. I take it upon myself to mitigate conflict and to stabalise a situation by exhibiting a high internal locus of control- a compromise made to balance my deep-seated beliefs that my life was dependent on external forces (fate/luck).

Recently, I was able to confront and challenge my beliefs. Is this really about me? For what reason am I upholding this amount of responsibility when the other agents in my life are going about their day reliant on this behavior? Is it fair to validate me and say yeah, this situation is exhausting; it is energy-depleting. It’s not my perception that needs to be changed, it’s my environment itself. During my class at university, we we learnt about emotional intelligence and leadership. I remember my professor saying that emotion regulation is an exhausting process and there were a small list for you to help with that (one included eating sugar). Seeing how much time I have dedicate to reappraising my perception, I couldn’t agree more. Now that I’ve seen myself lose the energy to move forward with any other practical tasks in the day after the mental gymnastics I just performed to be considerate of others.

I accept that I was mistaken to blame myself for not distorting an uncomforting reality. I choose to grace myself, because rather than dwelling on a mistake, what emotions I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, whether I should be feeling it etc., I’ll identify the stressor and focus on removing the existence or engagement I have with it instead. In Gross’s emotion regulation process, this is called ‘Situation Modification.’ It’s the key process that takes you out of your mind and more focus on the practical effort you can make to remove or adapt your environment to keep the affect of a stressor at bay.

Who knew how much ease it would give me to simply rid myself of the pressure of toxic positivity, forced gratitude, and the overload of thoughts in my mind regarding the discomfort I was in?

Quote Reference: GOLD Restaurant. 2017. 12 African Proverbs and Sayings to Live By | GOLD Restaurant. Available Here [Last Accessed 26 March 2021].

Recently, I found myself getting caught in a web of the same cyclic pattern in my life and I wanted to share my reflections.

By definition cyclic patterns refer to ‘events that happen in a particular order, one following the other, and are often repeated’. To me it feels like a gift you rejected but it came back on your doorstep with different packaging, you still feel excited when you receive it, but after unwrapping it, you feel disappointed but unsurprised.

You get caught in the web of internal fear that manifests itself into reality and in that moment you depersonalise, standing and watching the situation you feared unfold before your eyes.

It can be desensitising, you can wonder ‘is this my place’, but yet you can still be fearful and feel immense anxiety by the possibility of being stuck in the same place forever like a sort of twisted fate. 

However, one thing I have gotten into the habit of is in the situation where I feel caught and my worries become uncontrollable, I accept the emotions that I feel, validating my experience, and rather than internalising a sense of failure and inadequacy for being in such situations. I show myself compassion, with thoughts telling me that it will get better, and an opportunity will arise that will balance out or prove wrong the fears I carry. 

Update (20.05.24): I would like to share a self-help exercise for offering self-compassion, go through this process when you are feeling a sense of threat in your life. Say or write to yourself: 

1. “This is a moment of suffering” – A moment of mindfulness and validation is offered here instead of rumination
2. “Suffering is a part of the line” – Being a human means there will always be good and bad moments
3. “May I be kind to myself” – Closure, what can you say to yourself or do that would be helpful at this moment? 

Click Here to read more about it.

I was able to learn that as there are patterns of me feeling and getting stuck, there are also patterns that I followed to help me get unstuck. It’s empowering to know this and it makes me feel more confident that I will be able to push through with resilience and a growth mindset.

Can You Relate?