Good evening! Unfortunately, I’ve been struggling to come up with topics to talk about. In these last few blog posts, I did the best I could to deliver humorous and helpful reads but they lacked intention. Which contradicts what &Eunoia values. Consistency is key but I would like to prioritise the quality of my writing. To do this, I’m going to take some time to reconsider how I approach what I deliver to you.
If you do have anything you would like to hear for me in the meantime do let me know!
“Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.β – African Proverb
(Direct Source Unknown- please share if you know)
βRather than dwelling on your mistake, look at what caused you to make the mistake.β
IΒ am often toldΒ I am too harsh on myself,Β andΒ IΒ have struggled to see that.Β I spend a lot of time reappraising the way I see things asΒ inΒ my eyes,Β it’sΒ more helpful to manage myself than toΒ manageΒ and challenge the perception of another person. I like to lead by example andΒ treat others how I wantΒ toΒ be treated. So bearing the responsibility of ‘being the biggerΒ person’,Β (a practice I held close to my heart since secondary school), I got into the habit of introspection.
What could I have done to avoid this?
How did my behavior catalyse this uncomfortable situation?
How can I see the best of this situation?
These are the types of questions I ask myself. I take it upon myself to mitigate conflict and toΒ stabalise a situation by exhibiting a high internal locus of control- a compromise made to balanceΒ myΒ deep-seated beliefs that my life was dependent on external forces (fate/luck).
Recently, I was able to confront and challenge my beliefs. Is this really about me? For what reason am I upholding this amount of responsibility when the other agents in my life are going about their day reliant on this behavior? Is it fair to validate me and say yeah, this situationΒ isΒ exhausting; itΒ isΒ energy-depleting. It’s not my perception that needs to be changed, it’s my environment itself. During my class at university, we we learnt about emotional intelligence and leadership. I remember my professor saying that emotion regulation is an exhausting process and there were a small list for you to help with that (one included eating sugar). Seeing how much time I have dedicate to reappraising my perception, I couldn’t agree more. Now that I’ve seen myself lose the energy to move forward with any other practical tasks in the day after the mental gymnastics I just performed to be considerate of others.
I accept that I was mistaken to blame myself for not distorting an uncomforting reality. I choose to grace myself, because rather than dwelling on a mistake, what emotions I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, whether I should be feeling it etc., I’ll identify the stressor and focus on removing the existence or engagement I have with it instead. In Gross’s emotion regulation process, this is calledΒ ‘Situation Modification.’ It’s the key process that takes you out of your mind and more focus on the practical effort you can make to remove or adapt your environment to keep the affect of a stressor at bay.
Who knew how much ease it would give me to simply rid myself of the pressure of toxic positivity, forced gratitude, and the overload of thoughts in my mind regarding the discomfort I was in?
Quote Reference: GOLD Restaurant. 2017. 12 African Proverbs and Sayings to Live By | GOLD Restaurant. Available Here [Last Accessed 26 March 2021].
Grass Flower
It takes a close look to find its beauty.
μμΈν 보μμΌ μμλ€
It takes a long look to find its love.
μ€λ 보μμΌ μ¬λμ€λ½λ€
The same goes for you.
λλ κ·Έλ λ€
-Tae-ju Na
Grass Flower
It starts to look pretty when I look closely
-Tae-ju Na
It starts to feel lovely when I watch it long
And so do you
Recently, I found myself getting caught in a web of the same cyclic pattern in my life and I wanted to share my reflections.
By definition cyclic patterns refer toΒ ‘events that happen in a particular order, one following the other, and are often repeated’. To me it feels like a gift you rejected but it came back on your doorstep with different packaging, you still feel excited when you receive it, but after unwrapping it, you feel disappointed but unsurprised.
You get caught in the web of internal fear that manifests itself into reality and in that moment you depersonalise, standing and watching the situation you feared unfold before your eyes.
It can beΒ desensitising, you can wonder ‘isΒ this my place’, but yet you can still be fearful and feel immense anxiety by the possibility of being stuck in the same place forever like a sort of twisted fate.Β
However, one thing I have gotten into the habit of is in the situation where I feel caught and my worries become uncontrollable, I accept the emotions that I feel, validating my experience, and rather than internalising a sense of failure and inadequacy for being in such situations. I show myself compassion, with thoughts telling me that it will get better, and an opportunity will arise that will balance out or prove wrong the fears I carry.
Update (20.05.24): I would like to share a self-help exercise for offering self-compassion, go through this process when you are feeling a sense of threat in your life. Say or write to yourself:
Click Here to read more about it.
I was able to learn that as there are patterns of me feeling and getting stuck, there are also patterns that I followed to help me get unstuck. It’s empowering to know this and it makes me feel more confident that I will be able to push through with resilience and a growth mindset.
Can You Relate?
Trust your process
-For those feeling Stuck
The reality of a Support Network
Here are two definitions:
βA support network refers to the people in your life that help you achieve your personal and professional goals.β (How can I develop a support network? | DO-IT, n.d.)
βA group of people who provide emotional and practical help to someone in serious difficultyβ. (Cambridge Dictionary, n.d.)
The importance is in the word βhelpβ.
There seems to be a delusion that your support network needs to be big, but it is sincerely okay if it is small. Would you rather have 1 person who invested in you and supported you versus 5 people who can barely make time for you and give lacklustre support?
The truth is we attract what we expose to people consistently. Around the age of 17/18, a figment of my imagination of a support network was full of people who just wanted to recklessly have fun; gossip and have small talk all time; hard to believe now right? ( I have a blog based on introspection @v@) But that reflected my character.
Contradictory to what you think, friends do not have to be your only support network; your coach can be your support network; your counsellor/psychologist can be your support network; your dog can be your support network; the spider in the corner of your ro- anyways remember:
A support network refers to; the people in your life that help you achieve your personal and professional goalsβ¦’ Now that I look at it, it doesn’t really resonate with me that much; hmm let me make my own definition:
A support network is a network of people, objects; locations etc. that can remind you of who you are to ground you during life whirlwinds and can encourage you to get back on track to fulfilling your life’s purpose β Ester. fakedictionary.com 2021
What should you be looking for?
When acknowledging who is in your support network this is not about people you run to for solutions or advice but for encouragement. Is there anyone you know that encourages you sincerely not for the good or bad but simply encourages you when you are fearful about changes in your life?
You are your biggest support network.
This is natural to say but I want to point this out to people who feel like they do not have anyone as a support network, even their own family. Rather than making you doubt yourself with βthe people around you, love you, you jUst dOnβT kNoW it..β Let us use this scenario to reiterate the importance of being your biggest support network because there are many people who truly do not have a support network now.
Being your own support network is mainly about staying grounded but also looks like:
Personally, I think it’s fine to be your own support network, especially as the beginning of forming a relationship can be worrisome.
Take time and have discernment when forming relationships as having people around you that can keep you afloat is as important as the net underneath a tight rope; even if there is a 99% chance of you not falling.
Reciprocation
What tends to go wrong with support networks in most cases is the issue of receptivity. Without going too deep, simply, someone you care about can reciprocate their support for you differently. This is something I realised a lot later after a friendship did not work out. Do you know their love language? Not just how you express you support them but how they reciprocate that expression. If yours is quality time, you would want your support network to express support by contacting and spending time with you. However, if their love language is acts of service, they might express support by travelling to your house to give you something to make you smile; but do not plan to stay any longer than 45 minutes. Do you see how this works? Equally, you need to communicate what your love language is:
Every relationship requires compromise and balance because each human being is a snowflake; we do have similarities, but we are different.
Support Network: Parasocial Relationships
βParasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existenceβ. Sometimes it might be a para-social relationship the other person may not know which can be dangerous for you and the other.
For instance, a YouTuber, they donβt know you, but you look forward to their videos because they always encourage or inspire you, but co-dependency can be damaging to your self-development
Overall, take your time with forming your support network and have a mutual understanding of where the boundaries lie.
Staying connected can really help your mental well-being, so stay tuned to more blogging regarding this topic. If thereβs something that resonated with you, please do let me know in the comment sectionπ
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Da’at – This term is a reference to the ‘tree of life’ in Judaism. I would like to show my respect by being honest that my reference to this term is of my own philosophical reflections and not at all coming from a comprehensive understanding of the ‘tree of life’.
As empty as you feel is as whole as you could be. There is a Chinese proverb I came across that said the βusefulness in a glass is in its emptinessβ. What this meant for me was that the parts within me that feel empty can be filled with light, which is as vast as my emptiness. Exposing myself as I say this, growing into my adulthood from adolescence I had an emptiness within me when it came to connecting with someone emotionally. The cup for this is not that big, (as there are various ways for one to be nourished emotionally) but it was still difficult to fill and with that, it was hard to feel enough. Recently I got into contact with my qualified, personal coach (which she does not get paid for but commits to) and I have known her for about 5 years now. Two days ago, she let me know that she was going to stay in my life after our sessions and has expressed her genuine desire to support me as a person.
When I was not showing growth or results people close to me paid no mind to me; when I was compromising my time and energy for the ones I cared for and asked for it to be reciprocated I was not heard. In the past few months when all I had was ambitions but not the energy to achieve them there was only one person I can confidently say stood by me and that was her. I am grateful that I let go of those who had left me feeling helpless, uncared for and powerless because it made space for people who poured empowerment, support and affection into my life instead.
Respect the emptiness you may harbor as you can watch it be filled with “light, purpose and mission”.
Be willing to trust your instincts, especially if you cannot find answers elsewhere – Brian Koslow
Give yourself a break; Is it just me or is it becoming normal to be laying in bed and still be exhausted; having a lot to do but not having the energy to do it? Like me, are you struggling to sustain a healthy period of sleep, is time going by quickly, are you struggling to recall information? Okay, I think we need a mental break. In this blog, I will be giving you pointers that will be practically helpful in the short run.
Releasing a frantic mind
If you are like me, you will punish yourself by filling up your mind with thoughts unnecessarily and aggressively when you could be okay with just simply not having them. It’s hard telling yourself to rest when you are so used to running, and it’s hard telling yourself to rest when you feel like you are not deserving of it but if you are reading this, your intuition is probably telling you itβs time to take a mental break.
If you know that you want to pause your frantic mind, then you need to find a safe space and practice stillness. A safe space can be anything, anywhere, as long as it’s a space that you have chosen to be the location that you know gives you a comforted feeling of being alone. Some of my safe spaces in the past have been, the roof of a car park, an empty meeting room that no one goes to at a particular time, my couch and one I have created in my mind when I meditate. I
Journal
Journalling, is another well-known activity for health and wellness and there are two types:
The Benefits of Journalling run far and wide and I don’t want to bore you with endless facts, so here are a few:
You do not have to restrict yourself to traditional journalling (writing in a notebook), you can also type in a digital notepad or voice record on your phone, whatever works for you. The most important point is that you feel safe and comfortable doing the activity
Going out
Goodness, gracious, going outside. So simple yet so hard, you know it is just there, but you just cannot get yourself to do it. If what I am thinking, and feeling is weighing heavy I write it down and sometimes take it 2 more steps further; break down actions I may or ideally take regarding it and then I dare myself to put on some shoes; step outside and breathe. Commit to a 5-minute mindful stroll, leave your phone behind if you are willing; and then pay attention to the small things that are around you. Doing this alongside sitting down for 5 minutes in silence can do wonders.
Give yourself a Social Media break
I mean, what is there to say; for most people, social media is a part of our lifestyle and we’re constantly taking in information that ends up freely wandering in our subconscious. It can be draining and can have you floating away from the reality that is now. Let’s challenge each other to stay away from it until the next morning and see how we feel π
Surprise yourself! naturally
Balance out the stuffiness of your mind by giving yourself a natural dose of happiness chemicals.
Dopamine (Reward Chemical) π₯: Enables motivation, learning and pleasure.
How you could release it: Complete a task, Celebrate a small win (I play the easiest level of chess and it sincerely lights up my day again)
Oxytocin (The Love Hormone) β€: Motivates you to build and sustain relationships (it’s simply satisfying)
How I release it: Giving a sincere compliment, Hugging a family member,
Serotonin (Mood Stabilizer) π§ββοΈ: Helps with self-acceptance.
How I release it: Meditation, Sun Exposure, walking in nature
Endorphin (Painkiller) π: A response to pain and stress that temporarily alleviates from mental and physical pain
How you could release it: watch a comedy, Essential Oils (Lavender is a natural go-to), Exercise
None of these stick in the long run and they do have their shadow effects; with that, it’s all about maintaining a balance a lot of the time when our brain is βexhaustedβ it’s usually due to a consistency of something bad or even good. Almost like a wheel of fortune, a mental break isnβt just referring to stress, it’s referring to change and it’s referring to balance. I hope you can treat your mind nicely today, forced relaxation or positivity is also harsh on your mind and are typically counterproductive, follow your inner knowing to unbind the knots in your mind. If you have any suggestions please do comment below.
If you still need a little more or just more of an extensive guide if you know that you have constantly found yourself in a cycle of mental exhaustion I would love to recommend one particular book that gives you a sincere and practical guide to mindfulness:
I sincerely recommend their book: Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a frantic world. Their book provides a practical guide for practising mindfulness based on Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and is suitable for people who don’t have a particular emotional or meant al disorder. This book really opened my eyes to help me understand why my brain was challenging me at an unhelpful time and gave me a beginner’s guide to put a stop to obsessive negative cycles.
I understand there are some who have it harder, I learnt that one of the co-authors of the book also wrote another edition called: The Mindful Way through Depression, this may hopefully validate your hardship but also give you the clarity that you may need to support you on your journey. Both books have been received positively, but if you have any other suggestions please share!
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Ester's Eunoia 